Time to hang up my keyboard?

Saturday morning. I know it's been a really long time since I posted and I'm sorry about that. I haven't been reading anyone else, either, and I'm far more sorry about that than my neglect of my site. Truly.

The truth is, I'm contemplating what I want to do at this point. It's apparent to me that I have some serious mental health issues to deal with, mostly about my eating disorder and also some other things (like mild social anxiety) that are complicating things for me, too. I'm totally unhappy with my body shape and my inability to do so many things that ought to be easy for me and yet I don't seem to be able to make the changes that I need to. I start out eating properly in the morning and then I freak out and binge until I feel better. Blah, blah, blah, blah. I've said it all before, you've heard it all before, and I'm so very fed up with writing it over and over. I don't feel that I have anything original left to say. My "voice" is hoarse from screaming and yet I can't seem to hear whatever I need to hear in order to save myself.

I'm sick to death and don't want to keep up the charade that this is a fitness/weight loss journal because that's clearly not true. What is it? I don't know and I guess that's why I'm contemplating taking a little break until I can figure out what I want to say now. If I can't find something other than failing at weight loss or my stress at work or my work with Alcott (which I can't write much about anyway) or my ho-hum, "see him one day a week" relationship with TCB...why am I here? I just don't know. Just. Don't. Know.

Comments

Anonymous said…
I am sorry that you are having such problems, Denise. I have been reading your blog since the BOB from last year, and have appreciated every post. You have gone through a lot in the last year.

You are strong.
You are a beautiful, caring person.

Sometimes you might need to take a break and be a caring-for-yourself person.

Good luck.

Beth
9:23 AM
Brooke said…
Oh no. I hope things get better soon. Maybe it would be helpful to think of your blog not as a weight loss/fitness journal, but more of a journal about the journey. Getting healthy is a lifetime struggle - at least it is for me. And maybe writing about the times when it's not going well is just as important as writing about the times when it is going well.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope you start having better days, sweetie. Take care.
9:25 AM
Shannin said…
I admire your courage to acknowledge what your issues are - so many of us don't, which is one of the reasons we are where we are.

While I would love to keep reading about your journey, I do understand the need to get out of the "public" eye for a bit.

Hang in there - I'm here for you either way.
12:10 PM
Mamacita (The REAL one) said…
Hon, NO interesting blog is just about one thing. Your blog is an extension of YOU, and you are a diverse and complicated person, as are we all. People like to come here and read about YOU, and sometimes that is about diets and weight, and sometimes it's about other things. Please give this some thought; I hope you stay. And don't feel like your blog must be tied to any one category. I'd like to see someone try to categorize mine! Hah. But it's me, and yours is your, so write about anything you want, any time you want. Just please keep writing?
2:59 PM
La said…
Well, if the blog is a source of stress for you, then you shouldn't do it. If you think it's a place where you can work out some of your stuff, then keep it. Don't worry about us - of course we'll miss you, but you have to do what's right for you.
4:25 PM
Anonymous said…
Denise, the most important time to write are those times when things are exactly the way they are for you right now. Anyone can write when times are good, the weight is coming off (or staying off), and all is right with the world. If you can slog through and write during these times, I believe the writing itself, the exploration, can help you, almost as much as it helps the many, many, many of us who are comforted and inspired by your site because your struggles mirror our own, and your eloquence helps us to realize that we are not alone. There are so many more of us lurking out here than you realize, and we're pulling for you.
5:04 PM
Nanette said…
I echo everyone's sentiments - take care of yourself and do what needs to be done. Your readers will understand if you need to walk away from your blog. Take care and know that you're in our thoughts!
11:18 PM
JessiferSeabs said…
Here's the thing about weight loss... it's not just about the weight. Or the food. Or the exercise. In fact, in my (humble) opinion, weight loss and weight gain are very rarely ACTUALLY about those things: they're about the issues you mentioned above - feeling stressed about work, unsatisfied in your relationship, pulled in a million different directions, and then not really having anywhere to go to talk about it.

"It's not what you're eating, it's what's eating you."

I understand feeling the need to take a break, but I hope you don't think that we "expect" certain things out of you - I love reading your blog because it's so very real and so very insightful, and it makes me happy for you every time something great happens, and it makes me want to pull for you every single time something not-so-great happens. I think you're a beautiful person, and hopefully you can use this space as a place to find at least the peace of mind that often comes with relieving what is ON your mind.

Hugs,
~Jessica
7:14 AM
Anonymous said…
denise, first thing... huggles, mate.

sounds like you are going through so much at the mo, and whether you choose to write about it or not, please know that there's lots of us net nerds out there who care heaps and will be thinking of you! xxox
9:14 AM
Anonymous said…
Hi Denise,
I'm sorry you are sturggling and hurting so much. Selfishly, I hope that you can use the blog as a journey to where you need to be, honest and all, because I will miss you!
But you need to do what is best for you. I'll be thinking of you... take care!
10:58 AM
Mia Goddess said…
Oh dear. A crisis of faith, perhaps? If you knew for sure that this rougher period would end in 2 weeks or 6 months or even a year, would you keep writing and slog through it? You have a gift, D, and how and when you choose to share it is completely up to you....I just hope you don't imagine that *other* people are sick of hearing "the same old thing" just because you may be sick of saying it. Miss you. xoxo Mia
11:41 AM
Deb @ Sugarfused said…
Cheer up, Denise! You have so much going for you! I sometimes think life must be much simpler if we didn't obsess about our bodies so much. If only we could! You're a beautiful lady...don't be so hard on yourself :)
12:45 PM
kenju said…
Denise, I found you on Michele's blogroll. Take a break if you must, but obviously your writing is important to some people. Maybe exploring your troubles here would help you to decide a course of action in your life. It is worth a try.
10:04 PM
Cindy N. said…
Denise, I understand your need to take a break, but please don't go away forever. I enjoy reading your blog and it does help me sometimes in my efforts (or lack there of) as well. I don't feel so alone when I realize others try the same things I try and have the same problems sticking to it. I even dreamed last night that my husband told me I was fat. (he would never say that to me, even if he thought it)
9:42 AM
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