Gathering clouds
Monday afternoon. The weather outside is beautiful, as always. Inside, things are considerably different.
There's this thin veneer of calm, and signs of recovery from busy season are starting to appear quietly in the hallways. People have their doors open again, I hear the sound of casual laughter (not the forced, brittle kind), and I see people going outside the building for lunch. And then there's me. I feel like a house of cards, standing tall to the casual observer but ready to crumble inside. There is so much going on - both work-related and otherwise - that I can't talk to anyone about that's just sitting on my heart and weighing on my mind and a wayward tear trickles down my face sometimes just because I can't keep the vise grip on my emotions at all times. Just the act of breathing sometimes relaxes me into thinking and dreaming and that's when the guard comes down.
Over the weekend, while talking to my mom about a friend of the family that had recently died, she revealed that she's got a colonoscopy scheduled for later this month and that she's been having some bowel problems for a while. (For those that may not know, my mother had surgery for colon cancer back in 2002. She had a foot of her colon removed but - thankfully! - did not have to have radiation or chemo, nor did she require a colostomy.) She's now scared that the cancer's back, she's depressed about her friend(s) - this wasn't the first very close friend to die recently, and I think she's started drinking regularly again. I calmed her down, reassured her that it was probably nothing...probably the poor eating over the holidays...probably the stress of her friends' illnesses and deaths...nothing for her to worry about. Inwardly, I'm remembering what it was like last time, my mother behaving more like my child, my dad not communicating (as usual) but worrying himself sick, hours spent in the hospital listening to my mother cry quietly, me crying hysterically in the car on the way home - the only time I was alone. I'm so tired and, God help me, I know it's selfish and I can't help myself but not now. Not ever, of course, but especially not now. I'm such a selfish bitch to be thinking this way.
Then there's my team member who's been working at home for the last week and a half because he's dealing with the cancer of one of his parents. And it's getting worse. Over the weekend, vision started to go, mobility is already severely compromised, and 24 hour hospice care is now needed. He's dealing with all of that and still doing a more than capable job of releasing one of our most critical products, on time and under a very compressed production schedule. I think I can hear the cracking in his voice as we talk in the mornings and it's all that I can do not to break down myself.
I feel like I might just be becoming the person I want to be, a daughter to be proud of, a good neighbor and friend, and happy - deeply happy - for the first time ever. I have this great relationship with my mom now, which I didn't then, but surely this is not it??? Can't she stay with me a little longer while I actually enjoy my life?!!
But I can't do this right now, can't allow myself to think about anything except one foot in front of the other, one decision at a time. No time to cry, no time to talk to someone and tell them how I'm feeling, I just don't have that luxury right now.
There's this thin veneer of calm, and signs of recovery from busy season are starting to appear quietly in the hallways. People have their doors open again, I hear the sound of casual laughter (not the forced, brittle kind), and I see people going outside the building for lunch. And then there's me. I feel like a house of cards, standing tall to the casual observer but ready to crumble inside. There is so much going on - both work-related and otherwise - that I can't talk to anyone about that's just sitting on my heart and weighing on my mind and a wayward tear trickles down my face sometimes just because I can't keep the vise grip on my emotions at all times. Just the act of breathing sometimes relaxes me into thinking and dreaming and that's when the guard comes down.
Over the weekend, while talking to my mom about a friend of the family that had recently died, she revealed that she's got a colonoscopy scheduled for later this month and that she's been having some bowel problems for a while. (For those that may not know, my mother had surgery for colon cancer back in 2002. She had a foot of her colon removed but - thankfully! - did not have to have radiation or chemo, nor did she require a colostomy.) She's now scared that the cancer's back, she's depressed about her friend(s) - this wasn't the first very close friend to die recently, and I think she's started drinking regularly again. I calmed her down, reassured her that it was probably nothing...probably the poor eating over the holidays...probably the stress of her friends' illnesses and deaths...nothing for her to worry about. Inwardly, I'm remembering what it was like last time, my mother behaving more like my child, my dad not communicating (as usual) but worrying himself sick, hours spent in the hospital listening to my mother cry quietly, me crying hysterically in the car on the way home - the only time I was alone. I'm so tired and, God help me, I know it's selfish and I can't help myself but not now. Not ever, of course, but especially not now. I'm such a selfish bitch to be thinking this way.
Then there's my team member who's been working at home for the last week and a half because he's dealing with the cancer of one of his parents. And it's getting worse. Over the weekend, vision started to go, mobility is already severely compromised, and 24 hour hospice care is now needed. He's dealing with all of that and still doing a more than capable job of releasing one of our most critical products, on time and under a very compressed production schedule. I think I can hear the cracking in his voice as we talk in the mornings and it's all that I can do not to break down myself.
I feel like I might just be becoming the person I want to be, a daughter to be proud of, a good neighbor and friend, and happy - deeply happy - for the first time ever. I have this great relationship with my mom now, which I didn't then, but surely this is not it??? Can't she stay with me a little longer while I actually enjoy my life?!!
But I can't do this right now, can't allow myself to think about anything except one foot in front of the other, one decision at a time. No time to cry, no time to talk to someone and tell them how I'm feeling, I just don't have that luxury right now.
Comments
On the other hand, maybe the best, most generous thing to do for your mom right now is to feel your feelings. How does it benefit her for you to stuff them inside - and hurt yourself all the more?
Given the two choices, in her heart of hearts, which would Denise would she prefer?
you are doing a fabulous job at becoming the person you'd like to be.
I'm sorry for all of the pains... hugs to you.
But you shouldn't, Denise. That's when food becomes the alternative, and you don't want that, do you?
Allow yourself to feel what you're feeling and find an outlet, even if it means crying silently in your car at lunch.
Take care.
Talking to someone when life is hard is not a luxury in my opinion, it's a necessity. Why not give yourself that gift, of letting it out and allowing someone to offer support. You deserve it.
Very best wishes during this difficult time, Denise. I'll be thinking of you.