When the face in the mirror is a stranger
Monday morning. I've been thinking about this post every day since Thursday but just haven't been able to sit down and write it until now. It's not that I didn't have the time to write - although it's been a busy few days - it's that I've been giving this a lot of thought.
It started when I was washing my hands in TCB's bathroom. I looked up at the mirror, at my face, and realized that I didn't really recognize myself. Bloated, aging, blemished...where were my eyes, my cheekbones, my strong jaw? "This is not me," I mumbled to myself, "it's just not."
Then there was TCB's neighbor, Joe, who's lost 50 pounds so far and talked about how easy it had become, how much more he enjoyed his life. I kept thinking, "Yes, that's just like me. I feel that way, too." Until, of course, I remembered that I hadn't felt that way since March.
Why? Why, why, why??? That's the $1,000,000 question, isn't it?
It seems to me that the beginning of an answer can only come once the enormity of the problem is known, so I stepped on the scale this morning and I've updated My Progress page to show the results. Ouch! I've regained just about every ounce I'd worked so hard to lose and the saddest thing of all is that I was actually relieved to see that it wasn't even worse than that. We shall see where I go from here but at least I know where I am.
Note to anyone visiting here for the first time via the article in January's issue of Fitness magazine: If you came here looking for the girl who'd lost 50 pounds at one point last year, well, you've found her. This site, however, has changed from one of easy success and excited updates on better health, to the place I come to struggle through what happens when "happily ever after" becomes elusive. If you're most interested in tales of weight loss/fitness success, I heartily recommend Trish, Hilly, Shannin, and Argy. If you want to learn more about overcoming binge eating disorder, I'm going to boldly suggest that you might want to visit here again.
It started when I was washing my hands in TCB's bathroom. I looked up at the mirror, at my face, and realized that I didn't really recognize myself. Bloated, aging, blemished...where were my eyes, my cheekbones, my strong jaw? "This is not me," I mumbled to myself, "it's just not."
Then there was TCB's neighbor, Joe, who's lost 50 pounds so far and talked about how easy it had become, how much more he enjoyed his life. I kept thinking, "Yes, that's just like me. I feel that way, too." Until, of course, I remembered that I hadn't felt that way since March.
Why? Why, why, why??? That's the $1,000,000 question, isn't it?
It seems to me that the beginning of an answer can only come once the enormity of the problem is known, so I stepped on the scale this morning and I've updated My Progress page to show the results. Ouch! I've regained just about every ounce I'd worked so hard to lose and the saddest thing of all is that I was actually relieved to see that it wasn't even worse than that. We shall see where I go from here but at least I know where I am.
Note to anyone visiting here for the first time via the article in January's issue of Fitness magazine: If you came here looking for the girl who'd lost 50 pounds at one point last year, well, you've found her. This site, however, has changed from one of easy success and excited updates on better health, to the place I come to struggle through what happens when "happily ever after" becomes elusive. If you're most interested in tales of weight loss/fitness success, I heartily recommend Trish, Hilly, Shannin, and Argy. If you want to learn more about overcoming binge eating disorder, I'm going to boldly suggest that you might want to visit here again.
Comments
5 years ago - I lost 90pds only to gain it back. Well 5 years later, Im down 110.
Im also discovering that I have binge eating disorder. Knowledge is key.
Good Luck!
Soooo, what's your plan hon?
Shall we try both try again and again and again if we have too? I think maybe!!!!!
You've identified the problem. Now get the help you need to solve it!
But you know, the success story is not mine really. A success story is anyone who struggles and manages to get through the day. And the next. And then fall. And here is the real success honey. It takes no small effort to gather all the disapointment, the guilt, the sadness, the horrible feeling of defeat, and get up, undust yourself, and hit on the road again.
Denise, your honesty is one of the most inspiring things I have found in my quest for a better body. I will never stop saying this!!!!
It's not just about winning or, in this case, losing. It's about the journey.
We are all weary travellers and I think sharing your journey on this blog is very generous and very encouraging to all the rest of us struggling with our own demons.
Great site :)