What am I doing?
Thursday afternoon. Does anyone still remember when this was, primarily, a weight loss journal? Yea, me neither.
I stepped on the scales this morning and - lo and behold! - my complete lack of activity as regards being healthy has produced some great results: I now weight 260 pounds. That's only two pounds short of my all-time highest ever weight and 10 pounds more than a few weeks ago when I swore I was going to do something about this. The problem is (or one of the problems is) that depression makes me want to isolate myself and the last thing I want to do is have to pick up the phone (it seems to weigh a ton when I'm really down) to call and make an appointment with the therapist (which involves all of those ugly logistics). The second-to-last thing I want to do is walk into an 8am Saturday class full of people and try to do Yoga, Pilates, or NIA with them. I'm so fat right now that bending and twisting are a real chore. (I'm not going into details, but it's affecting my relationship with TCB, and that's not good.)
The worst part, though, isn't the day-to-day physical challenges of finding clothes that fit or bending over to pick things up when I drop them, it's the horrible way my body feels - especially in the morning and just before bed. I'm not sleeping well, I'm exhausted from hauling 120 extra pounds around on my 5'3" frame, and my body's just sick (literally) of the junk food with its accompanying lack of nutrition.
But wait, there's more! Emotionally, I cannot even express to you the way that I'm feeling about myself right now. It's odd, too, because I'm still able to separate the eating behavior from the rest of my life, so I'm not into complete self-loathing, but it's still just so painful. Why don't I just stop eating? Why don't I eat smaller portions? Why don't I exercise...even just a little??? What am I waiting for??? Heart attack? Stroke? Blindness? Renal failure???
I have this fabulous life, full of so much great stuff that it blows me away, and yet that's not enough to make me put my health ahead of stupid oral gratification? For TCB's sake, for Alcott's sake, for my parents' sake, for my friends' sake, for the love of my work...why won't I do this???
I stepped on the scales this morning and - lo and behold! - my complete lack of activity as regards being healthy has produced some great results: I now weight 260 pounds. That's only two pounds short of my all-time highest ever weight and 10 pounds more than a few weeks ago when I swore I was going to do something about this. The problem is (or one of the problems is) that depression makes me want to isolate myself and the last thing I want to do is have to pick up the phone (it seems to weigh a ton when I'm really down) to call and make an appointment with the therapist (which involves all of those ugly logistics). The second-to-last thing I want to do is walk into an 8am Saturday class full of people and try to do Yoga, Pilates, or NIA with them. I'm so fat right now that bending and twisting are a real chore. (I'm not going into details, but it's affecting my relationship with TCB, and that's not good.)
The worst part, though, isn't the day-to-day physical challenges of finding clothes that fit or bending over to pick things up when I drop them, it's the horrible way my body feels - especially in the morning and just before bed. I'm not sleeping well, I'm exhausted from hauling 120 extra pounds around on my 5'3" frame, and my body's just sick (literally) of the junk food with its accompanying lack of nutrition.
But wait, there's more! Emotionally, I cannot even express to you the way that I'm feeling about myself right now. It's odd, too, because I'm still able to separate the eating behavior from the rest of my life, so I'm not into complete self-loathing, but it's still just so painful. Why don't I just stop eating? Why don't I eat smaller portions? Why don't I exercise...even just a little??? What am I waiting for??? Heart attack? Stroke? Blindness? Renal failure???
I have this fabulous life, full of so much great stuff that it blows me away, and yet that's not enough to make me put my health ahead of stupid oral gratification? For TCB's sake, for Alcott's sake, for my parents' sake, for my friends' sake, for the love of my work...why won't I do this???
Comments
Sending good thoughts your way!
Hugs and encouragement from the East Coast :)
I've been visiting your blogs for some months now. Thank you for sharing your life with us.
I read your last post and had to "de-lurk" to tell you this: You have to do it for YOUR sake, because YOU want a healthy relationship with TCB, because YOU want to continue to support Alcott, ... I think you get the picture. It starts with you and you have to take care of yourself first, so that you can give your best to others. Best of luck. I am supporting you all the way.
www.freewebs.com/jessiferseabs.
Check me out - I share a lot of your weight issues. I topped out at 250 and got some horrifying cholesterol news before deciding it was time to do this FOR GOOD. My weight had affected every relationship I'd ever had (especially my relationship with myself).
You can do it.
Overcoming inertia is the hardest part of any challenge.
Take the first step.
You can do it.
~jessica
Hang in there and try not to be too hard on yourself.
I'm trying really hard not to beat up on myself.
I don't know that I'll ever be skinny but I'm trying to eat a little healthier and get some walking in everyday.
I'll be darned if I'm going to buy new pants a size up.. no way! I'll keep wearing my elastic waist prarie skirts -- it's doesn't get THAT cold in San Diego -- does it?
Elle
PLEASE call the therapist! You can do this, but you need some help. Do it for yourself and for TCB. And all your online friends! And your dad--remember the challenge?
(See, I remembered not to make you guess who I was this time!)
Perhaps doing this for others is tied up with their expectations and a hidden fear of yours that you will disappoint them?
Perhaps this depression is hitting so hard because of the same reason, feeling that you have disappoint all these wonderful and caring people?
Denise, you must take some time and look inside you and tell yourself what a wonderful person you are and how much you deserve to do this for YOU! Not for your parents, not for your bf, not for Alcott, just for gorgeous, wonderful, loving, smart, intelligent, witty, and superb YOU!!!
You know, almost any person who has a lot of weight to lose, has lost a great amount and has, at some point slip back. I have done it twice, losing between 70 to 100 pounds and regaining them.
This time I have managed to maintain what I have lost (though I still have about 40 pounds to lose) because I took a very serious decision. Instead of hurting bit by bit every day, I decided to dig deep in the pain and face it all at once. Therapy has been my tool and it gave me all the release of the tears and anger and sadness and depression I needed to finally decide and take care of myself for ME. Not my parents, not my husband, not my friends, not my career.
Make this phonecall darling. You deserve so much, and most of all, you deserve to release the sunshine you are made of and let her glow!
I love you!
You know we're here for you...
xoxo
Mia