Not much to tell but busy and stressed out
Thursday evening. I was reminded by the beautiful and talented Marla that it had been more than a week since I'd posted - Me: "Really? No, it can't be!" - so I'm back. I don't really have much to report other than the fact that I'm run off my feet at work and seem to have sunk back into depression at some point that I can't identify.
I know that it's depression because of the tell-tale warning signs which, for me, include the borderline-manic need to get home as quickly as possible after work, throw things down wherever, and then sit on the couch eating a huge quantity of food while not thinking about anything except the next bite. Oh yes, and also taking no action on the absolute filth that surrounds me at home. (Yes, I really mean filth.) The real pain of the thing, though, is that the depression makes me want to isolate myself (shame over all of my inadequacies, including the house and my eating, of course) so I haven't yet made the call to one of the four referrals I got for psychologist specializing in eating disorders. Thankfully, I'm still taking care of my responsibilities with Alcott and making those associated calls, even though that particular aspect of my life is probably one of the greatest sources of stress right now. (Can't go into it because it's confidential, just know that it's some tough stuff and I'm really frustrated.)
Tomorrow I will make a call to one of the folks on the list and Saturday I'm going to visit the gym I'd mentioned in my last posting. I know that working out (if only I can muster the strength of character to just do it) always helps pull me out of the depression, but the pull of the food is just so very strong right now. If I can get one workout in - like on Saturday, for instance - it will be one step toward getting on the path to health again.
Did I mention that most of my clothes don't fit anymore? Yes, that's right, I'd thrown out all of my starting size clothes (26, in case anyone cares) so now I'm stuck buying them all over again. I cannot tell you how lovely it was to be at WalMart hoping and praying that they had something that would fit me. Ugh, this should have been in my past...I was a size 18 just five months ago for goodness' sakes! Oh, well. Thankfully, there were several things that fit me that I actually liked and look good in (I think), so crisis averted.
I know that it's depression because of the tell-tale warning signs which, for me, include the borderline-manic need to get home as quickly as possible after work, throw things down wherever, and then sit on the couch eating a huge quantity of food while not thinking about anything except the next bite. Oh yes, and also taking no action on the absolute filth that surrounds me at home. (Yes, I really mean filth.) The real pain of the thing, though, is that the depression makes me want to isolate myself (shame over all of my inadequacies, including the house and my eating, of course) so I haven't yet made the call to one of the four referrals I got for psychologist specializing in eating disorders. Thankfully, I'm still taking care of my responsibilities with Alcott and making those associated calls, even though that particular aspect of my life is probably one of the greatest sources of stress right now. (Can't go into it because it's confidential, just know that it's some tough stuff and I'm really frustrated.)
Tomorrow I will make a call to one of the folks on the list and Saturday I'm going to visit the gym I'd mentioned in my last posting. I know that working out (if only I can muster the strength of character to just do it) always helps pull me out of the depression, but the pull of the food is just so very strong right now. If I can get one workout in - like on Saturday, for instance - it will be one step toward getting on the path to health again.
Did I mention that most of my clothes don't fit anymore? Yes, that's right, I'd thrown out all of my starting size clothes (26, in case anyone cares) so now I'm stuck buying them all over again. I cannot tell you how lovely it was to be at WalMart hoping and praying that they had something that would fit me. Ugh, this should have been in my past...I was a size 18 just five months ago for goodness' sakes! Oh, well. Thankfully, there were several things that fit me that I actually liked and look good in (I think), so crisis averted.
Comments
If I can take a little time to just pat myself on the back for all the good work I'm doing, and do something good for myself--like working out--I can usually snap out of it.
Take it for what it's worth... I'm usually pretty nuts. Meanwhile good for you for sticking with CASA and doing your best. You really are an inspiration, even when things are hard. Maybe especially when things are hard.
good luck, you're awesome.
That's the suckiest thing about depression, it's when you're least able to do the things that will help the most. Try really hard to make that call, don't wait until things get worse.
And f*ck the size 26. It doesn't matter. When you pull out of this you'll see 18 again (and 16 and 14 and 12...)
Sometimes when I am down, I drag whatever energy I have left and clean the living room. Mainly because this is the place that I spent most time on while depressed. This way I am in clean and nice environment and this somehow soothens my soul.
Just found your site, and thought I'd drop you a line to say, "Thank-you" -- Your blog is honest, and an easy read. Keep your head up!
By the way, if you feel you want a little natural-supplement health, look up 5-HTP. It's the amino acid you find in turkey and other proteins, and it's excellent to help with mood disorders and I've found it's great to cut my cravings for carbs.
I've added you to my blogroll... I'll be back!