At sixes and sevens

Saturday morning. I've got this vague sense of disquiet deep inside me this morning. Disquiet and discontent. I feel absolutely horrible, physically, because - all previous posts saying that I'd got the eating and working out figured to the contrary - I've been doing nothing but binge eating for days. No working out, either. And, I suppose, that can help explain why I feel so dissatisfied with myself. I haven't been sleeping well the last couple of days because I'm hot (that's what happens when you eat too much and you're already fat and diabetic) and my feet hurt (neuropathy, another side effect for fat diabetics who binge), and that's probably not helping my mood, but mostly I think it's just the knowledge that I'm letting it all fall apart right in front of me and not doing a darned thing to stop it. It's all very good and well to talk about how I will do this or that or the other thing but, in the end, talk is cheap. I read other journals and see how well everyone's doing, even when they're struggling at least they're still doing something, and I feel even more unhappy with myself. Not unhappy enough to actually do something about it - let's be clear - but very unhappy none the less.

Then there's TCB. He was out of town for work all week, so I didn't expect to hear from him although a quick email or voicemail message would have been nice, but there's been nothing still and he should have been home last night. Who knows, he might call today but do I really want to keep going with someone who only communicates when he's free to do something with me? Don't I want a bit more company than that? If he ever calls and if we go out, I need to have a conversation, I think, and that's not going to be fun, but I can't go on this way. I need something more than this and I need to know for sure, from his mouth, that he sees me as something more than a friend with benefits. Past evidence aside, that's just not who I am and certainly not who I want to be. I want to be with someone who thinks I'm wonderful and is proud to be my boyfriend or whatever you want to call it. Granted, I'm not proud of myself right now which is probably not helping the situation, but that's still what I want and I can't start settling for less just because I'm a fat cow who's eating her way to an early grave, now can I?

I need to go and get ready to meet my parents for an early Father's Day celebration although I really feel most like...you know, I don't know what I feel like doing! I was going to say, "sitting on the couch and doing nothing," but that's not what I want. Well, part of me wants that, but another part wants to get off my butt, pick up the mess around here, and then go out to get a manicure and pedicure. I'm fed up of feeling like crap, looking like crap, and letting this place go, too. God, I'm better than this and I don't want to be here anymore.

Something's got to give, it just has to.