Small, little, baby steps and big, scary things, too

Friday morning. I am so glad that it's Friday! I'm spending tomorrow morning with Alcott and his younger brother tomorrow to celebrate his brother's birthday. We're going to a place called Inflatable World, a place with lots of inflatable attractions that they can jump in, slide down, and generally do boy-type things with. What will I be doing while they're doing that? Why, snapping 10,000 pictures for posterity, of course! Yes, I am that obnoxious woman you all know who takes so many pictures of her kids that you can practically create an action hero flipbook with them. Alcott and his sibs have gotten so used to it that they usually don't even complain anymore. Woohoo, I'm snapping them into submission! (When did I become my grandma?)

Doing things with Alcott always reminds me that I'll never truly go back to the way I was last summer before the Ten Percent Challenge started because I don't just live for myself and inside myself now. I have five little kids and one CASA buddy who all rely on me to be there for them and, incidentally, think I'm pretty cool. It's sort of selfish, I know, but I just love that I've got them and that unconditional love because it's so darned reassuring. It also forces me to get up and go even when I would rather lie around all weekend instead. So what if my laundry won't get done until the new millenium - I can always buy new! My Junior League buddies are a big help in that regard, too. I've got a BBQ Saturday night with several Junior Leaguers, plus I've already been contacted by one of my committee chairs to confirm my participation on her committee. With commitments to friends and work groups within the League, it's just another tie that binds me to the outside world and keeps me from retreating into a shell on the couch.

Finally, frighteningly, I might have met someone. Someone male. I don't want to jinx it because, Lord knows, my luck in this area is not good, but I talked on the phone last night for four hours with a really nice guy that found me through Match.com. When I say that he found me, he's the one that contacted me, not the other way around. He's local, single, gainfully employed, really cute, not hung up on his ex, not living with his parents, not commitment phobic, very tall, very cute, and intelligent. Now, I realize that it's entirely possible that he'll never call back and that last night was the last time I'll hear from him, but it was still really nice to have a fun conversation with someone who could actually be someone I'd go out with. Of course, that's also totally terrifying because I feel like the Goodyear blimp right now and I was thinking, in the back of my head, the entire time we were talking, "how are you going to stall meeting him for another 10 weeks so that you can become Slim, Happy, and Confident Girl again???" I don't think I can meet him face to face until I've at least started on the road to being that girl again because, otherwise, I'll be so uncomfortable in my own skin and so insecure that he won't ever want a second date. (Look at me, already planning a first date - how needy and pathetic is that?) I'm thinking that I can reasonably put it off, should I even be lucky enough to get a return call, for a couple of weeks, but he's going to think there's something seriously wrong with me if I stall any further than that. Gah, GAH, GAH, why did I let myself get to this place? Why didn't I meet this nice, seemingly normal guy when I was thinner, happier, and more together??? Must maintain. Must. Maintain.

Lord, I'm so hungry right now. All the Mexican food in the world would not be enough for the hunger I'm feeling. How am I ever going to deal with stuff like this without food? Oh my gosh, what if he figures out that I'm a freak who eats until she feels sick just to make herself feel better??? This cannot continue. I have to figure out another compulsion or something...there must be a publicly acceptable addictive behavior, mustn't there? I'm going to go Google "compulsive behaviors" and choose another one. Back later.