Don't want to post, don't want to do anything
Thursday morning. I'm fairly certain that I'm fighting through a depressive episode again. The laundry just sits there, my plants on the balcony are withering and dying because I don't water them, assignments at work aren't getting done, and I feel like the world's biggest slug. I can't stand it when I'm like this and I know that it looks like plain, old laziness from the outside and maybe that's all that it is except that I know how it feels inside. It's as if just getting off of the couch would be the hardest thing I've ever done. Writing my self appraisal? Tougher than reading (and following) War and Peace. I just let everything go and am pleased that I manage to get up, shower, get dressed, and make it to work each day. This sucks and, if I weren't such a coward and anti-drug person, I'd go out and get a prescription for something that would make this (just about) monthly joy go away. Did I mention the fact that the one thing I do like doing when I'm like this is binge eating? Oh, joy!
I want to be that girl from a few months ago who had the world on a string. I want to be light and happy and not feel like the fattest thing in the world with no clothes that fit. Seriously, I've outgrown my clothes and, since I was Miss "I'm in control of this thing and will be a size 14 in no time", I tossed all of my size 20 and 22 stuff out months ago. Now each morning's battle to get up and get to work is complicated by the fact that I have nothing to wear. Any idea how much it's killing me to have to go out and buy size 20 clothes?
It's like I said back on March 31 - I'm just not sure if I will be able to do it again...find that whatever it takes to want to be healthy more than I want to eat. So, to Anonymous, who so kindly told me to "get a grip", um, yeah, I knew what I was talking about when I said it was a slippery slope and that I could feel myself falling back into the hole of darkness and terror where nothing but food can save me. Aren't you glad that you belittled how I was feeling? I know that I am.
I want to be that girl from a few months ago who had the world on a string. I want to be light and happy and not feel like the fattest thing in the world with no clothes that fit. Seriously, I've outgrown my clothes and, since I was Miss "I'm in control of this thing and will be a size 14 in no time", I tossed all of my size 20 and 22 stuff out months ago. Now each morning's battle to get up and get to work is complicated by the fact that I have nothing to wear. Any idea how much it's killing me to have to go out and buy size 20 clothes?
It's like I said back on March 31 - I'm just not sure if I will be able to do it again...find that whatever it takes to want to be healthy more than I want to eat. So, to Anonymous, who so kindly told me to "get a grip", um, yeah, I knew what I was talking about when I said it was a slippery slope and that I could feel myself falling back into the hole of darkness and terror where nothing but food can save me. Aren't you glad that you belittled how I was feeling? I know that I am.
Comments
If you come up with any "snap out of it" ideas - please let me know.
And the anonymous' of the world can kiss my fat arse.
Hang in there. You're a gutsy lady and if anyone can get through this, it's you.