How can I not know how to do this?
Thursday morning. I was on a roll. I had this all figured out. I should be about 180 pounds by now (given that this little sojourn in the two-oh-somethings started at the beginning of December for goodness sake!), but instead I'm going to post my first gain in 10 months when I weigh and measure tomorrow. Why? Damn it, why??? What broke? What isn't where it needs to be??? Please, please, someone give me the answer because I'm searching - constantly - and I just can't find it and I can't do this all over again. Can't gain 60 pounds back and then lose it again. I know myself too well. If this weight goes back on, I don't have it in me to get it off again. This is too hard. I've gotten at least halfway through with what I need to do, and to fail now would just crush whatever spark inside me still believes that I can achieve this.
Now, I know there are those out there in Readerland who are saying, "Now, Denise, just be patient with yourself," or, "There's more to life than just your weight, so don't say you have to do this like you won't have a life if you don't." For those people, I can only suggest that you might want to come back in a few months because you're not going to enjoy my writing until this thing is over. No one who hasn't been morbidly obese will understand what I'm about to say, but this really is a fight for my life. Not just because of my diabetes, but because, if I get back to 262 and stay there, I will have nothing left. No self respect (if I had that, I'd never let the weight go back on). No chance of avoiding diabetic complications (my feet already tingle every night as it is). No friends (tough to have friends when you don't leave the house, and you wouldn't leave the house either if you were the fattest person in the entire city. Seriously, San Diego is like America's Healthiest City of some such thing, and there are like NO fat people here...especially no fat women.) Perhaps worst yet, in terms of my long term happiness, no chance of ever finding true love and settling down to create the family that I so want.
OK, now I know that there's a whole group of you that just said, "Oh, no, Denise...that's not true. You can find love while you're fat because I did." I understand that it's theoretically possible to find love at 262 pounds and a size 26, but it's not going to happen here, for me. For one thing, as I mentioned, in America's Healthiest City there is a cornucopia of perfect women out there. Perfect faces, perfect bodies, perfectly clothed, driving perfect cars. Seriously. Very scary. Anyway, there are those guys that say they're interested in fat girls, but most are only interested when there's no one around and only interested in one thing, if you get my drift. If you take them away, the next group available is the "chubby chasers" - those men who only like fat girls. I know this is a terrible thing to say, but I don't want one of them. If I find one of them and do somehow end up getting the self respect to get this lovely weight off again, they'll be gone in a flash because they're only interested in fat girls. (I've actually experienced that first hand!) Finally, there are - at most - 20 guys in the entire county (several million people) who are normal but would consider dating a fat girl. I think I've dated like five of them and have had girl friends who've dated five others, so that leaves like 10 guys out of three million for me. Not going to happen.
Well, hasn't this been an uplifting entry? I'm so glad I lost the password to my Site Monitor account so that I can't see what all of this is doing to my readership. Wait, I'm not supposed to be doing this with one eye on the number of hits I'm getting (which is why I made my Site Meter numbers invisible on the site)...this is supposed to be about me. This is how I feel, so it's "valid" and, if that leaves me with two readers, then so be it.
How did I get here? How did it all fall apart? I just don't understand. Please, someone - ANYONE - help me understand. If I could just wrap some logic around what's happening to me, perhaps it wouldn't be so hard. Instead, I just sit here, astounded, as I eat and eat and eat and am never full enough, and don't exercise. Why? Why, why, why, why, why??? I had this. I was there. Well, not "there", but on the path to there. It's not fair. Dear God, I know you're there, why won't you help me???
I'm in a fight for my very life here, people, and I know it's not pretty, but it's real. Hey, perhaps I'll get a boost in my readership from the people who like to watch reality TV! There's something to look forward to.
Now, I know there are those out there in Readerland who are saying, "Now, Denise, just be patient with yourself," or, "There's more to life than just your weight, so don't say you have to do this like you won't have a life if you don't." For those people, I can only suggest that you might want to come back in a few months because you're not going to enjoy my writing until this thing is over. No one who hasn't been morbidly obese will understand what I'm about to say, but this really is a fight for my life. Not just because of my diabetes, but because, if I get back to 262 and stay there, I will have nothing left. No self respect (if I had that, I'd never let the weight go back on). No chance of avoiding diabetic complications (my feet already tingle every night as it is). No friends (tough to have friends when you don't leave the house, and you wouldn't leave the house either if you were the fattest person in the entire city. Seriously, San Diego is like America's Healthiest City of some such thing, and there are like NO fat people here...especially no fat women.) Perhaps worst yet, in terms of my long term happiness, no chance of ever finding true love and settling down to create the family that I so want.
OK, now I know that there's a whole group of you that just said, "Oh, no, Denise...that's not true. You can find love while you're fat because I did." I understand that it's theoretically possible to find love at 262 pounds and a size 26, but it's not going to happen here, for me. For one thing, as I mentioned, in America's Healthiest City there is a cornucopia of perfect women out there. Perfect faces, perfect bodies, perfectly clothed, driving perfect cars. Seriously. Very scary. Anyway, there are those guys that say they're interested in fat girls, but most are only interested when there's no one around and only interested in one thing, if you get my drift. If you take them away, the next group available is the "chubby chasers" - those men who only like fat girls. I know this is a terrible thing to say, but I don't want one of them. If I find one of them and do somehow end up getting the self respect to get this lovely weight off again, they'll be gone in a flash because they're only interested in fat girls. (I've actually experienced that first hand!) Finally, there are - at most - 20 guys in the entire county (several million people) who are normal but would consider dating a fat girl. I think I've dated like five of them and have had girl friends who've dated five others, so that leaves like 10 guys out of three million for me. Not going to happen.
Well, hasn't this been an uplifting entry? I'm so glad I lost the password to my Site Monitor account so that I can't see what all of this is doing to my readership. Wait, I'm not supposed to be doing this with one eye on the number of hits I'm getting (which is why I made my Site Meter numbers invisible on the site)...this is supposed to be about me. This is how I feel, so it's "valid" and, if that leaves me with two readers, then so be it.
How did I get here? How did it all fall apart? I just don't understand. Please, someone - ANYONE - help me understand. If I could just wrap some logic around what's happening to me, perhaps it wouldn't be so hard. Instead, I just sit here, astounded, as I eat and eat and eat and am never full enough, and don't exercise. Why? Why, why, why, why, why??? I had this. I was there. Well, not "there", but on the path to there. It's not fair. Dear God, I know you're there, why won't you help me???
I'm in a fight for my very life here, people, and I know it's not pretty, but it's real. Hey, perhaps I'll get a boost in my readership from the people who like to watch reality TV! There's something to look forward to.
Comments
On a different note, i know how it feels to gain, but if it is your first one in TEN MONTHS, I seriously would not get worked up over it. Just take a deep breath and keep doing what you're supposed to do, and see what happens. If it keeps going up, you can worry and look into it, but I really doubt that's going to happen. You are doing so awesome! Don't freak yourself out too much =)
Let's look first at the gain. Do you put 80 pounds back on in 30 days? No, I didn't think so. Is this a wake-up call to maybe jolt you back to reality? Possibly. Did this shake your confidence? My guess is yes. Let's face it, you've kinda been cruising along, joyfully losing weight, and I'm sure you must have thought, "Wow, this isn't that hard! Why didn't I do this sooner?" But you knew deep inside this is not a joy ride -- if it was, we'd all be 108 pounds. Go along any road, real or metaphorically, and there are going to be hairpin turns, sharp corners, dips, bumps and most certainly potholes.
Rev up the motor, put the pedal to the metal and move forward.
I have never felt compelled to leave a comment before, but your post shook me. I follow your site everyday and look forward to your postings. I can't reassure you or make it all go away, all I can say is "I underastand". I have been living in the same space for longer than I can remember and it is a nasty place to be. I won't give all the trite words of encouragement, or power of positive thinking quotes I have heard a million times myself, I will jsut say, there are people, and there are lots of us, that understand completly, and are rooting for you!
Looking forward to your reality.
Jean
You've accomplished so much. Your readers (or at least this reader) are impressed by you and learn from you, and this kind of entry only makes you more human (like us) than super-human weightloss superhero, which we could never be.
I wish I could help, instead of being annoying upbeat girl, but know that I'm thinking of you, and wishing you the best.
Anyways, the way that I look at it is this. You can let this be a pebble to stumble over or it can be a huge bump that puts you flat on your face. Either way there is only one choice. To get up and do it again and love yourself even more for it. Tend to your wounds and brush yourself off and move upwards. For me I kind of feel like this is a constant journey and when you are an emotional eater you are either moving forward or back. There is no standing still. It is all a choice. What direction are you facing? You can't hate your way to goal. YOU ARE WORTH being healthy and happy. End of story.
slipping up is OK... it's normal. now you can slowly get on track and start being kind to your body again by feeding it the wholesome food it needs to function happily.
When I first stumbled across your site one of the first things I noticed was your extensive archives. I looked at your progress over the past few months and decided to become a regular reader b/c I was inspired by your dedication and ability to stick to your goals.
As other commenters have pointed out, you've come such a long way, it'd be a shame to let a couple bad weeks derail your focus.
Best of luck. I'll be rooting for you.
It doesn't negate how you feel, but it is a good thing, nonetheless.
And fuck the chubby chasers; you don't need that, you don't deserve it, and you're not destined for it. You're going to meet a wonderful man who's worthy of you, and you'll meet him at the right time and the right place, which is not necessarily related to your weight. Please understand how awesome and fabulous you are, and how much you are loved right now.
If there is one straight forward answer to all those "why's", I don't have it.
I wish we could all bottle up this "go go" feeling that we have at times that makes eating right and exercising lots to seem easy. But we can not I'm afraid. Or I'd be selling those bottles and have become rich by now ;o)
What we all have is this burning fire inside us of wanting it to happen. Now. Quick!
For someone who has been morbidly obese like I have been, the baby steps get so tiring at times. When you know you have another whole person to loose, it is purely discouraging and you think that actually doing it is just a dream, of the ones that are doomed to not get realised.
But 60 or 50 pounds ago, you never really thought youd reach a point of so much weight lost.
But you know what my darling? You actually did!!!
And you know what else? You will get back to it.
Because when someone travels through the dark tunnel, and reaches a point where they see some little ray of light, after walking and walking in the dark for so long, no matter how backwards they go, they always KNOW that the light is indeed there, that there is indeed an exit to this tunnel. And they can go back to travelling forwards.
I will be here to hold your hand and walk this tunnel with you.
Because let's face it Denise. We are all meant to be out there in the light! Such gorgeous flowers we are all, we want it, we deserve it, and we will fucking do it!!!!
Chubby chasers: I agree -- (gag)!! To me that's as bad as someone who will only date a petite size 2. Just the flip side of the same coin.
I just wanted to say I hear you. And I understand. I am so glad that you have all these people that care about you. I know you worry about the advice and comments and the things we all say to you here...so I am not going to give you a pep talk, as much as I really, really want to. :P I'm just going to say you inspire me with your achievements and your honesty. And I love reading your blog whether it's an up or a down post because it's real and it's true and it's your journey. I always tend to think when the gray clouds roll in that they are here to stay. I understand. And it will get better, Denise. It really will. (Ok, that was a tiny bit of a pep talk, but...I couldn't help it!!)
BIG HUGS TO YOU!
Kris
I'm still waiting for my own *BAM* moment myself. I know why I'm doing (or not doing for that matter) something but it's just getting myself to STOP doing it.
Hang in there girly, we all have faith in you.
I found your site through a friend and like so many out there you spoke right to my heart.
It truly is an upward battle at times, but what really urks me is I tend to sabotage it when it's all going well. Like there is some kind of subconscious part of me just waiting for me to fail. So I can start hiding again.
It's hard to face your fears, but it's much much harder to stand face to face with your dreams. I wish you enough strength to make just the next step, and enough love to smile at the step behind you.
Sorry. I just know what that kind of desperation feels like....that astonishment of wondering how the hell to help yourself. You can so clearly see what you need to do and you know you can do it, so what don't you? For the love of GOD!? Yep, I know exactly what the feels like and it always felt to me like the kind of hysterical that needed a face slap, like they do in the movies LOL
Anyway, I don't know how to help. I couldn't help myself either. You and I both had close starting weights - mine was 267 and I'm 5'4. Right now I weigh 148.5. I had the RNY and I've had problem after problem. Its been nearly 2 years and these last 15 or 20 lbs are proving hard as hell to lose. Because of the problems I have had, I am not a big advocate of the surgery. But when you are 37 years old, diabetic and are having signs of neuropathy (the tingling) then maybe its worth it. I don't know. But I do know that the surgery (or actually living with it) is hard. Hard, hard, hard. My body has forced me to lose weight, but even though I am only 28, the extra skin is atrocious. Ive had my belly fixed (and it looks great) but my thighs, underarms, ass, oy. They will never be the same. I am so lucky in so many respects - I have three beautiful children and a husband who loves me totally and has since we were in junior high. Losing weight did not give me that. In fact, losing weight hasn't given me much of anything except a smaller shadow. It sounds like it could give you so much though. So hang in there. I don't know how to help you but I do know I am praying for you and I am pulling hard for you!
Sorry. I just know what that kind of desperation feels like....that astonishment of wondering how the hell to help yourself. You can so clearly see what you need to do and you know you can do it, so what don't you? For the love of GOD!? Yep, I know exactly what the feels like and it always felt to me like the kind of hysterical that needed a face slap, like they do in the movies LOL
Anyway, I don't know how to help. I couldn't help myself either. You and I both had close starting weights - mine was 267 and I'm 5'4. Right now I weigh 148.5. I had the RNY and I've had problem after problem. Its been nearly 2 years and these last 15 or 20 lbs are proving hard as hell to lose. Because of the problems I have had, I am not a big advocate of the surgery. But when you are 37 years old, diabetic and are having signs of neuropathy (the tingling) then maybe its worth it. I don't know. But I do know that the surgery (or actually living with it) is hard. Hard, hard, hard. My body has forced me to lose weight, but even though I am only 28, the extra skin is atrocious. Ive had my belly fixed (and it looks great) but my thighs, underarms, ass, oy. They will never be the same. I am so lucky in so many respects - I have three beautiful children and a husband who loves me totally and has since we were in junior high. Losing weight did not give me that. In fact, losing weight hasn't given me much of anything except a smaller shadow. It sounds like it could give you so much though. So hang in there. I don't know how to help you but I do know I am praying for you and I am pulling hard for you!