It's not easy being brave
Monday afternoon. OK, so I haven't posted since my bravura message of last Thursday. Turns out that it's a whole lot easier to figure out what the problem is than it is to solve that problem. Huh, you think? DUH, Denise! I will say this, though, I have been intensely aware of Fear and the hold it has on me since my posting. As I've gone throughout the days since Thursday night, I've really noticed my own fears and insecurities and consciously tried to put them aside in order to live my life. Just being more aware is a step in the right direction, I think.
In one of the most obvious statements ever written, change is hard. I left the computer on Thursday night absolutely certain that I was ready to take on any challenge and to wrest control of my life away from the Fear and self loathing that has been keeping me paralized. Well, it turns out that is a little tougher than you (or, at least, I) might think. I'm taking little baby steps, especially with my food and weight issues, partially because I think it's the "all or nothing" mentality that ends up scaring the daylights out of that part of my subconscious that is cemented in one place by Fear and also because, well, it's really hard. We're talking about changing the habits of a lifetime and that doesn't just happen overnight. Still, some steps are better than just marking time in place, right?
Special post script to everyone that wrote supportive comments: Thank you. It really does help knowing that I'm not the only one that feels this way. Sometimes, especially with all of the images of unreasonable perfection shoved in my face by the media, it seems as though I'm some sort of freak. With this disorder, or whatever you want to call it, shame and stigma are so detrimental to overcoming this that it becomes almost an unending and vicious cycle, so thank you for helping me to see past my own embarassment and start the healing.
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